We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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