This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
