For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
