Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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