John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
