She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
