I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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