I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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