So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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