Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
