Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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