i already hear my dad disowning me
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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