Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
