i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I didn't notice because vodka
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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