my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
