I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
