matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
