We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
