Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
