Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
