He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
