I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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