My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
