My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
