Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
