I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
