she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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