For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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