They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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