Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
