Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
