My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
