woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
