I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
