My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
