Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
