yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
