the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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