were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
