Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
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Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
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She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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