Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
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Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
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Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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