I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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