i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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