i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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