1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
