Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
