I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
