I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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