I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
