Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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