But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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