Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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