i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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