I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
