dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
